Funny isn’t the soft one

Why have I put funny last? It feels like the soft one, the optional extra once the serious work is done. I would argue it is the opposite. It might be the hardest of the four to do well.

Funny plus wisdom stops you being boring. Anyone can be wise and dull. We have all sat through it. Wisdom on its own can lecture. Add a bit of lightness and the same true thing actually lands, because people are still in the room when you say it. The trick is the lightness carrying the point, not replacing it.

Funny plus kindness helps people gravitate towards you. Not laughing at someone. Laughing with them, in a way that makes the room a bit warmer for them being in it. Kind funny is generous. It hands the joke to the person, not at them. That is the funny people remember, and the funny that gets you invited back.

And that is the quiet test for funny. Do people want you around? Not because you are performing, but because you are easy to be near and you do not take yourself too seriously.

The best kind of funny needs all three of the others underneath it. Courage to make the joke. Wisdom to know which one. Kindness to aim it well. Get those right and funny is not the soft one at all. It is the thing that carries the other three to where people can actually feel them.

One thing to try this week. Next time you have something true and slightly hard to say to someone, find the lighter way in. Not to dodge it. To make it easier to hear. Say a mate keeps cancelling on you. The blunt version is right there.

“You keep letting me down and it’s starting to get to me.”

True, but it kicks the door down. The lighter way in walks in through a door instead.

“I’m starting to think you’re getting a better offer every Thursday. I’ll take the hint, but I’d rather just see you.”

Same true point. Nobody braced for it.

And it isn’t only the words. It’s how you say it. Warm tone, easy pace, an open face. That’s the other half of with them, not at them. Being warm doesn’t make you read as less serious, and it doesn’t make the point weigh any less. Nothing to perform here. Just say the true thing like you’re still on their side, because you are. Then watch whether it lands better than the serious version would have.